So, Curt’s lost 20 pounds in the last 5 months and I gained 7… 
Boo.
Hitting the gym, going to church, finding myself…decide to revisit Yoga tonight.
So here I am looking at my own plump ass straining to breath, telling myself to be peaceful, calm, at one with myself. And all of a sudden I’m aware of all the actual thoughts in my brain..
“Wow, she’s has funky defined hamstrings when she does down dog….Is she better than me?”
“How does that woman not have her hair up in a pony-tail?”
“Really? Really? You two show up five minutes late, with your own personalized yoga mats, and you suck at the poses! Fuckers.”
“the yoga instructor doesn’t like me”
“He just smirked…is it cause I’m failing horribly at triangle?”
“Wait, what? Breath through the nose? the mouth? Oh God…I mean thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus. Please, Lord, fill my mind with peace. Please Lord, help me to stop judging everyone in this -DUDE SHE’S SUCH A QUITTER, THAT POOCH AINT GOIN’ NOWHERE IF YOU DON’T TRY BITCH- OH!!!!!!!!! Gosh, there I go again, Lord I’m SOOOOOOO sorry please just shut all the negativity up….oh fuck I don’t even know what move I’m supposed to be on now…is this even helping? I’m not feeling my inner skinny at all. fuck.”
My mind is so loud. not just busy and full but LOUD. I’m talking “swords and spears, peas and carrots” loud. Like a chicken coop, or a thug daycare with no supervision. Crazy Ass Cocophany. I’ve been praying this whole time for God to guide my thoughts, when in reality maybe my brain just needs to shut up.
I have bad dreams every night. I mean BAD. Like I’m being raped, mutilated, chased, watching loved ones die, accidentally killing someone I love, literally petting the skin off of my kitty accidentally. Every night I pray for good dreams or at the least a “neutral” dream…and every night I have these terrible dreams. As I acknowledged the noise in my brain tonight, it occurred to me that the noise might be what’s poisoning my dreams.
It occured to me that the dreams aren’t just “bad”. More specifically they are full of fear and terror.
Fear and terror I can work with. “bad” is pretty darn vague.
So, Lord help me to recognize what’s terror and fear, and with the power of the holy spirit within me help me to challenge and overcome the voices. “For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of courage, love, and self discipline.”
