I’m good at everything I do, I’m not great at everything, but I’m good. Real good. Check that- I don’t have any natural athletic ability, I do however have great sportsmanship, a fantastic love of the game, and an ability to learn any sport. MVP vote in my future…probably not…but “most appreciated player” “most generous player” definitely!
This is a quality that one might think could bring comfort or joy…but…no. It’s actually quite confusing. Bitsy Dungaree’s blog “Don’t ask” resonates with me on this one. She writes,
“Author Po Bronson begins What Should I Do With My Life? with a discussion about the dreaded cocktail party question: what do you do? There are many reasons for disliking “the question” but Bronson figures, if we don’t like the question, it’s probably because we don’t like our answer.
I hate admitting that I am an actress.
Do I hate being an actress? Of course not! I love it! But I hate that silence in the moment before I have to answer what do you do? with I’m an actress.”
I too hate the silence before the answer…but even more so I hate the silence after my answer. I, myself, am an actress, an executive professional, a waitress, a nurturer, a woman in love, a dedicated animal lover, a manager, a bartender, a homemaker, a student, a christian, a pretty girl, a wine lover. And I’m good at all of those things.
If I actually rattle off the list above, I’m going to sound like a complete nutcase. So, what do I say?
Currently I’m pursuing my second degree in meteorology. After acting in New York for three years I found myself really unhappy. I didn’t like living in New York. I was getting a lot of pressure from my agent to do commercial work; to land a Colgate commercial! Which I had absolutely zero interest in. But I wasn’t making a single penny doing the kind of theatre I felt really passionate about.
I missed nature, I dreamed of owning my own home someday with a big tree in my front yard that I could hang a tire swing from, and watching my dogs run around a large backyard that butted up to a creek. That wasn’t going to happen in Manhattan, and as I watched the devastation of the ‘06 hurricane season I felt moved. I’ve always been in love with weather. I watch the weather channel like most watch soap operas. I am deeply moved by the power of the atmosphere. I realized that somewhere along the way I had convinced myself that I wasn’t smart enough to be a scientist, and that it wasn’t possible to be both an artist and a scientist anyway.
Well, that’s crap.
So, here I am pursuing my second degree in meteorology, faced with more awkward silence then ever before. If I tell people I’m an artist pursuing a degree in science because I believe that I can have a part-time job that pays the bills in meteorology saving people’s lives while acting in all kinds of theatre I love without concern of the finances, with 2 dogs, a tire swing in my front yard, and the love of my life right next to me…well they don’t exactly shower me with support. Most often they cock their head to one side, give a small half smile/half laugh and wait for me to start laughing with them. But I don’t laugh.
Am I crazy? Is the girl whose good at everything simply spread herself too thin? People say “Follow your dreams! Stop at nothing! Love like you’ve never been hurt! Never stop believing”. I want to know if the people who shout these things follow their own damn advice. Cause sometimes I feel like I’m never going to get there.
How many dreams can one life hold? I mean really? How many dreams can fit in one life? How many heartaches? How much grief? How much love? How much courage? And when do we know when we’ve hit our max?
