Laying in bed last night with the fear of being loved creeping into my stomach, urging me to suffocate the man laying next to me with affection. I heard myself say, “I love you.” A phrase I’ve said numerous times to this man. However this time the emphasis wasn’t on “love”, it was on “you”. Thinking of all the stumbling mistakes I’ve made, allowing the devil to manipulate past choices into reasons and fears that maybe I’m not worthy of this mans love. It occurred to me. As a woman carving her way through the products of abuse I have allowed men to fall in love with me, or rather the idea of me. But when I ask these men why they love me, most often they tell me, “because you challenge me”. Occasionally it’s “because you take care of me”…but it’s always because of what I DO for them. Strange how it’s possible for someone to claim to love ME, because of what I do for THEM.
Challenge yourself.
Take care of yourself.
Love me for ME.
Looking at the sleeping man next to me, who asks nothing of me other than to be me each day. Who hugs me the hardest and kisses me the sweetest when I am my most boldly and unapologetic-ly me. At this moment, while praying for God to fill me with the grace an courage to receive this love. I felt myself say “i love YOU.” I love this man for the man he is, not for what he does for me. I rose out of the same lost selfishness of the men of my past without even realizing that I was guilty of the same thing!
Challenge myself.
Take care of myself.
Love myself.
I love that you wrote this. I have been tossing this idea around in my mind as well lately after realizing a few days ago that all of the reasons I list for falling in love with the man before my current honey had to do with how he changed me, challenged me, inspired me…all of which are wonderful things, but all of which are about ME! It struck me that my reasons for loving “him” were all pretty selfish!
I’m glad you’re blogging!
xo